Exclusive Reader Offer – Tony Thorpe Cigarettes

Once again The Incider is proud to present an exclusive Tony Thorpe reader offer. With memories of the little man refreshed by his recent 90 minute moaning session at Ashton Gate, what better time to treat yourself to a precious momento of the irritating dwarf?

Brought to you in association with Lucky Strike (obviously), everything about these cigarettes says ‘Tony Thorpe’. From the first time you feel the butt on your lips, to the final drag, Thorpey will be in your thoughts.

Priced at £1 million, these cigarettes are expensive, but when you find out you’re getting sixteen for the price of twenty, we’re sure you’ll experience the same familiar disappointment at being short-changed that reminds us all of our former frontman. And as you sit back and take it easy, with a fag in one hand and stiff short in the other, allow your thoughts to drift with the smoke, back to the days when our Tony was doing the same thing, but in a City shirt for six grand a week.

This offer does include a complimentary box of matches, y’know, but this will be on a first-come first-serve basis, as Thorpe Industries only has a very limited number of matches this season, and even those they have probably won’t strike every time. You won’t have to worry about the danger from flames – Thorpe cigarettes or matches are unlikely to set the place alight.

To enjoy the full Tony Thorpe Cigarette experience, we strongly recommend that you, y’know, smoke three on the first day of the season, then one intermittently every month or so until February. Tony Thorpe would also like to add that it is perfectly acceptable to cadge cigarettes from your work colleagues, put them in your Tony Thorpe packet, and claim them as your own.

Should you in any way be disappointed with your purchase, please hold onto them for four years whilst they depreciate massively in value, offer them round to people in small clubs, and if there are no takers just, y’know, give them to a down and out for nothing.

In consumer taste tests, Tony Thorpe cigarettes finished seventh. Every time. Most smokers who tried them felt they were rather small and unsatisfying, failed to leave them breathless, and left a bitter taste in the mouth.

So don’t delay. Send off more money than you can afford TODAY, and get a small, unattractive package with few surprises in return.