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Exclusive Reader
offer: Christian Roberts stars as
Leave your City-supporting relatives shaken and, y’know, stirred, with the perfect Christmas gift by getting them the ultimate in, y’know, big screen drama - our special edition of the, y’know, first ever James Bond movie. Welsh wizard Christian “Y’Know” Roberts swaps his squad number 18 for, y’know, 007 and downs his pint of cider in favour of a Martini to, y’know, take on the evil Doctor Y’Know in the role made famous by Sean Connery. He’s still a marksman skilled at shooting on target - but this time his weapon is a trademark Walther PPK instead of a football. Digitally remastered so you can, y’know, count the number of crisply-uttered “y’knows” in each Roberts sentence, this is an ideal stocking filler for every City fan who, y’know, entertains themselves by noting the “y’know” quota in every Radio Bristol interview. Y’know. The plot has as many, y’know, twists as an away game at Mansfield – though admittedly the ending doesn’t quite, y’know, match it. The film contains the scene which made Roberts a, y’know, sex symbol from Rhyll to Llanelli. The beautiful woman across the table coolly throws her dashing adversary a challenge in the casino. The dark stranger accepts, lighting a cigarette. When asked his name, he simply replies with the immortal words: ‘Bond, y’know. James Bond, y’know’. With that memorable catchphrase, a cinematic phenomenon began that has lasted from October 5th 1962 to, y’know, the current day. Roberts’ role as the first Welsh Bond is probably, y’know, his finest performance out of a red City shirt. The film starts with “M”, y’know, sending Bond to Jamaica to investigate the murder of Agent Strangways, who was investigating the sabotage of BCFC World’s commentary by radio beams from the American space programme. All signs lead to mysterious Welsh villain Dr Y’Know, and Bond sneaks onto his fortress island, Ninian. There, he meets Honey Rider – played by bikini-clad Ursula Andress lookalike Gill Holt, who walks out of the sea carrying a dagger and a magic sponge. They are both, y’know, captured and Bond is sent to, y’know, meet Dr Y’Know, y’know. The larger than life villain – played by real life shyster Sam Hammam, y’know – is plotting to take over the entire football league by, y’know, terrorizing rival teams with a Burberry-wearing secret army of brainless yobs. Bond uncovers his evil plan and, y’know, disguises himself as a leek to escape, sabotaging Ninian island and throwing Hammam into a vat of boiling piss-weak Brains beer. Other films coming soon: Tony Pulis and Steve Martin co-star in The Jerk. |
