A Lesson To Be Read At The Funeral Of Stoke City F.C.

We at The Incider would like to send the following heartfelt message of sympathy to all Stoke fans on the appointment of Tony Pulis as your new first team manager:

It is with deep regret that we note the death of the club now that your board have appointed Tony Pulis as manager. We, more than anyone, know the pain, anguish and suffering you must be feeling at this immensely difficult time, and extend our condolences to you all.

There are so many memories of Tony that come to mind during this period of intense heartache that it is hard to know where to start, but let us try to encapsulate the very essence of the man in a few well-chosen words:

Possibly our overriding memory will be his penchant for splashing out obscene amounts of money on ageing footballers with little or no desire to play for our club, but with a keen eye for the treatment table.

Of course, there is also the Pulis style of play, which must not be forgotten at sad moments like this. Not for him the idea of keeping the ball on the floor and passing, oh no. His direct approach was to fill the team with over-sized, overpaid, under-performing hoofers and see if we could manage a string of excruciating 0-0's against average Division Two clubs interspersed with the odd 1-0 win and 1-0 defeat.

Equally hated by players and fans alike (a sentiment only equaled by his own corresponding hatred of players and supporters), Tony will be forever remembered as the man who nearly ripped our club asunder, and for his parting we were truly grateful.

I am sure that fans of Portsmouth and Bournemouth would like to join us at this time in sharing with Stoke supporters our unequivocal sympathy for the position you find yourself in, and only hope that it passes more quickly and painlessly than it did for us.

Stokies - prepare yourselves for bizarre signings, even more bizarre press conferences with comments bearing no relationship to the evidence played out before you, and a manager-led backlash against you when it all goes wrong.

It is at times like this when club rivalries must be laid to one side and we should all atand and join together in singing hymn number 666: "If you all hate Pulis clap your hands".

Amen.