The Atkins Diet

With the appointment of Bristol Rovers' new manager - Ian Atkins - sources at the Mammary Ground have informed us of a new regime which is being introduced into the club, from top to bottom – The Atkins Diet.

 

 

The ‘diet' not only shares its name with a better known dietary plan, but also resembles it closely in terms of content too. Consisting, as it does, of a four point plan (much like the final points tally plan of Mr Atkins' predecessor):

• Starve Yourself Of Success – This is something that Bristol Rovers have trialled for several years and, with that experience behind them, they don't foresee any difficulties in continuing the same way under Mr Atkins.

• The Points System – As with many modern day diets, the system is based around a strict points system. Similarly, with the Atkins Diet, Bristol Rovers will allow themselves no more than three points in any given month and, ideally, only one.

• Eating Sensibly – Again, any diet worthy of the name is based around a sensible, balanced intake of calories. An inside source revealed. “Weight gain used to be a real problem amongst our players, with many of them suffering terribly from bouts of ‘the munchies'. However, this issue seemed to subside once Dwayne Plummer left the club, though we never established why that was.”

• You Are What You Eat – This is a mantra that Ian Atkins believes to be at the very root of his regime. Atkins revealed, “I strongly believe that ‘you are what you eat'. With that in mind, my players will be eating small ‘Club' sandwiches, lemons, tripe and dog dirt sandwiches, obviously. Naturally, the players will always sit at the bottom half of the table to eat.”

Rovers' chairman, Geoff Dunford, is clearly delighted with the implementation of this regime and was quick to add his endorsement of Atkins' methods, enthusing, “I can thoroughly recommend the Atkins Diet. Ian has only been in post for a matter of a few weeks and already I've lost thousands of pounds that I know I'll never see again.”

Bristol Rovers' supporters seemed less sure, with Gas Supporters' Club president, Mr. I. Marriedmysister, stating, “We're more used to being completely fed up here, so this could make a bit of a refreshing change. Though being served up bland crap on a regular basis seems vaguely familiar.”

So, will success be on the menu or will it be a recipe for disaster? Well, as with all diets, one thing is for sure, there'll be a lot of people experiencing an empty feeling by the end of it.