Looking for a stocking-filler this Christmas? Something to keep your over-excited kids quiet at 6am while you snatch a much-needed lay-in on December 25? Nothing is guaranteed to bring you peace like the silence of a child coping with the disappointment of receiving the Grey Graydon D.I.Y. Manager Kit™ in his stocking.
Our exclusive gift for children aged five and up contains everything needed to lead a minor team in an annual struggle against relegation. Yes, we know any five-year-old already has more than enough tactical knowledge and managerial acumen to match the Greymeister as he attempts to guide the Gas to oblivion while bigger clubs like Yeovil and Torquay compete for promotion. But thanks to The Incider, you can now provide your child with the tools of the trade which have long been the closely-guarded secret of the Grey One's reign. And what sad Gashead wouldn't want to emulate their chromatically-challenged coach?
The Grey Graydon D.I.Y. Manager Kit™ includes:
* A cheap Biro to sign players – Avoid the need to waste expensive ink on the talentless rejects you'll be bringing in.
* A leather riding crop - Prepare yourself for getting whipped every week. The excruciating pain is an added element loved by every Rovers-supporting masochist hardened by years of bottom-of-the-table dogfights.
* A bale of hay – Vital for pre-match meals.
* Rose-tinted spectacles – Wearing them is the only way you'll be able to mention the word “promotion”.
* Prozac pills – To be taken once a week at 5.45pm every Saturday. Avoid the temptation to overdose, however appealing suicide may seem.
* A flak jacket – Bottle-resistant to survive the journey from tunnel to dugout as your popularity sinks quicker than an elephant wearing concrete boots.
* Annual subscription to Miniature Donkey Talk magazine – Your crucial scouting aid.
* A pumice stone – Rubbing yourself regularly all over develops the thick skin needed to become immune to even the most searing criticism.
* A garden fork – To remind you what three points look like. Also useful for digging yourself into another hole.
We'll even throw in a copy of Grey Graydon's Tactical Playbook , a literary masterpiece containing the Monochrome Marvel's inside guide to hoofing the ball aimlessly upfield. His entire reservoir of set pieces, play patterns and coaching tactics have been stretched out to fill an entire two-page volume, including full diagrams scribbled in his own childlike hand.
At £99,999.99, we can't pretend our exclusive reader offer is anything other than a rip-off. But Gasheads have been deprived of value for money for so long that we're confident they wouldn't recognise it if it smacked them in the face. So we're not too worried.
The kit is available in two exciting colours - dark grey and light grey, and is appropriately stored in a sack (a word you'll get used to hearing). Order before Christmas and we'll include a free search party to hunt for the ball after every Paul Tait shot.* We've only got a limited number of Grey Graydon D.I.Y. Manager's Kits™. So get on the phone now to avoid disappointment, though we appreciate that's not normally a priority for any Gashead.
Our cobbled-together kit has attracted rave reviews. Here's what some of our satisfied customers say about it:
“Far superior to any of the resources I have at the Mammary Ground.” Grey Graydon.
“To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. This toy doesn't look the best but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. This manager's kit is not the best looking but at least we got it in the taxi. It may not be the best looking present we ended up taking home, but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have a coffee.” Ian Hollowhead.
“I don't need a special kit to fuck up promotion.” Danny Wilson.
“Eee-aww.” Paul Tait.
Send cheques made payable to Grey Graydon's Escape Fund to: Manager's Portakabin, Mammary Ground, Filton Avenue , Bristol , BS7 0BF .
* Includes Sea King helicopter for coverage of the wider Bristol area.