The Lansdown Diaries - July 2003

The Incider has been given exclusive access to City chairman Steve Lansdown’s personal journal for the 2003/4 season. Each month we will be bringing you an exclusive peek into the trials and tribulations of running our fine club.

Dear Diary,

It has been a long hard closed season running this bloody place. Our extensive network of scouts has been working flat out all summer tracking down people I would like to see at the club. To be honest, I was beginning to give up hope. But they finally found Danny Wilson on a golf course in Spain and were able to wrestle him back to Britain just in time for the new season by drugging his pint of bitter in the clubhouse and locking him in a shipping container. Once they had dragged Danny back to his office kicking and screaming and chained him to the desk, he provided me with a list of players he wanted to bring to Ashton Gate. However, I began to get suspicious when I tracked down the agent representing his number one target. He assured me Ernie Els hadn’t played football since school. It’s becoming a worrying trait. I now discover Danny was first attracted to Lee Matthews after a scouting report said he was constantly below par. I was going to have a chat with him about it, but by the time I’d got to the manager’s office, he’s slipped his manacles and left a note saying he was heading to La Manga, which he assures me is a Spanish club where he can eye up some young talent. Having panicked, I called the Supporters’ Club and fortunately someone there had the name of a player they remembered from watching Match of the Day in Scotland. I bought him quick before Danny got back and asked what his handicap was.

We’ve also had trouble with one of our Academy players, a lad called Liam. We were going to offer him a new deal but in the end his demands were just too much and I told him we were not prepared to alter our structure to accommodate him. Not the pay structure, the stadium structure. We’d have needed to widen all the doors so his head could fit through, and the cost would have been astronomical. He also wanted gold fittings on the showers in the dressing room and his insistence at how other players should address him caused enormous problems in early training sessions. By the time Christian Roberts had shouted “Over here, Your Honour, Royal Highness and king of all you survey, on me ‘ead” the chance had passed. I’m sure he’ll get on well at Fulham. The bloke who owns the club has ideas above his station too, so they should get on like a house on fire.

I must confess the stress of running the club has left me absolutely drained, so I am writing this from a beach in Bermuda. It was a frightening flight out. We had to cross the Bermuda Triangle and our jet nearly crashed into Simon Clist. However, my mood was buoyed when I sold my year-old Lexus shortly before leaving. Amazingly, I managed to con the dealer into parting with £500 for it, which I think is a fantastic price and probably the best I could have hoped for given that it was only worth £40,000. Well, when I say £500, he gave me £100 up front. I’ll get another £200 when he clocks up 500,000 miles and the last £200 when he wins the Le Mans 24-Hour race in it.

The fans have been getting a bit impatient but I’ve been hitting the phones think we’ve silenced them with another new signing called Wilkshire. Personally I’ve never heard of him but Danny rates him highly. He said he’s a good driver, which is a bit weird seeing as he’ll be taking the team coach with the rest of the squad. But apparently also he’s a good striker of the ball and can get around in 75, which seems like a lot of goals to me. And he’s good at digging the ball out of the sand, which should prove handy if we draw the Gas in the cup.

Yes, thanks to Danny and me the new season is shaping up nicely. Anyway, I’ve got to go because I’m wanted down the police station. Apparently detectives launched a criminal investigation after 8, 000 City fans called Crimestoppers to report that the club had been mugged by a suspicious character. Apparently they’ve found a suspect matching the description in Reading and they want me to take a look because it seems I might recognise him. Sounds a bit strange to me, but I don’t want to upset them again. We’ve already had the Fraud Squad down here once this year investigating claims that a Mr Matthews was trying to pass himself off as a professional footballer.

Until next month, farewell dear diary. I remain confident we have a team capable of taking the championship, though Danny says he’s more concerned about winning the cup. The Ryder Cup, whatever that is. Adieu for now.

Steve L.