The Great City Shop Scandal

The refurbishment of the club shop is long overdue and is an issue that has needed addressing for some time… or so the directors would have us believe.

Okay, I admit that on the surface the revamped shop may appear to be an 'improvement' to our club’s facilities. But scratch away at the glossy veneer and the real story becomes clearer. Allow me to put my own distorted anti-board spin on the subject, and I will prove to you that the improved layout and more customer-friendly design have been implemented for reasons that may not be immediately obvious to the average supporter.

By making the shop more attractive to the passing fan, the club is blatantly trying to lure us in to the main merchandising area at Bristol City, whereas previously we might have walked straight past. Once inside, the club hopes to dazzle us with the new feel of the retail floor and encourage us to spend money that would otherwise have stayed in our pockets. This flagrant abuse of the genuine supporter is another example of our board trying to extract every last penny from the average hard-done-by fan. In addition to the more overt changes, I feel obliged to inform you of some less obvious alterations that may be of interest.

I am reliably informed that the traditional shop 'muzak' we associate with any quality retail outlet such as Netto or Aldi has been doctored to contain subliminal messages aimed at increasing our spending in the shop and feathering the directors' own nests. A source close to the club informs me that when played backwards, Richard Clayderman's rendition of Wurzels hits (which I understand is the music that will be used) contains the words 'Give Laycock cash', 'Hire more tools', and possibly most outrageously 'Lansdown is God'. Sickening and immoral I know, but then what do you expect?

I have also heard a strong rumour that as of next season staff will break with past practice by greeting customers entering the shop with the word 'Good', followed by the relevant part of the day - i.e. 'morning' or 'afternoon'. In addition, the same source assures me this will be followed by the self-same staff using such phrases as "Can I help you?", "Would you like me to look in the back, to see if we have that in your size?'" plus, and this is the real killer "Thank you for your custom. Please call again". These blatant, vile, Americanized marketing ploys are a far cry from the more traditional sight of five disinterested 16-year-olds standing around desperately trying not to catch your eye in case they are forced to interact and actually serve you.

For as many decades as I can remember, we have all grown up secure in the knowledge that we had a bolt-hole whenever we wanted to feel invisible or view poorly-displayed goods consisting mainly of old-fashioned, out-of-date enamel lapel badges and five-year-old programmes of games against Wrexham and Plymouth that they hadn't managed to shift. Many of us have grown old along with the stock in the shop, secure in the knowledge that the layout and contents remain unchanged and have been preserved in the same state as when we were nippers barely able to peek over the counter. But now they are robbing us of that heritage and stripping the game of its working class roots by forcing a modern, airy environment and quality goods on us. Now if this isn't part of a conspiracy aimed purely and simply at prizing our wallets and purses open wider and wider, then frankly, what is?

I think I've proved my case conclusively. It’s a disgrace but they don't fool me. Oh no. The board should all resign immediately.